Unrequited
by arirang
Summary: The Akatsuki is full of secrets, and Deidara is no exception. Follow his crazy love life as the Akatsuki throw parties, go to the beach, suffer through art classes...and, um...take baths together? Love is ever Unrequited... [Shonen ai, possibly yaoi.]
1. Paint Fights, Hollister, and Polka Dots

**A/N: This is a collaborative work by me (arirang) and Pineapple-Sister. It's pretty lighthearted, and focused mainly on Deidara and his romantic exploits with the Akatsuki (yah yah shonen ai, yaoi if Pineapple-Sister forces me into it). It'll be T for now (for ehm, intimacy and a _lot_ of profanity), but we can't promise that the rating won't go up.**

**Ah yes. You know what that means.**

**Disclaimer: We obviously don't own Naruto, else Hidan wouldn't be dead.**

**Pineapple-Sister: He's not dead! He's immortal!**

**arirang: He was blown into a lot of tiny little pieces. He's not coming back. Ever. He's DEAD.**

**Pineapple-Sister: He…he can't be dead…he's just…(melts away into oblivion)**

**Hidan's detached head: Can we fucking move on?**

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The day was beautiful. You know, with the pretty turquoise sky and fluffy clouds and sparkly rainbows, the kind of day that Zetsu likes to eat and spit back out a bloody, black, and stormy mess.

Unfortunately, Zetsu was too occupied to eat such a tasty beautiful day, and he wasn't too happy about it. Neither were the poor Akatsuki members beneath his hungry orange gaze.

"**Hidan**," he said, turning to the priest. Hidan looked up from his perch on the windowsill, a scowl spread across his face. "What did the leader say?"

"I don't give a fuck about what the leader said, seriously," snarled Hidan.

"**You will when I'm done with you**," said Zetsu, eyes growing in anticipation as he walked towards him. "I'm ravenous. **I haven't had a decent meal in four hours**."

"Damn you," Hidan muttered, picking up a roller and moving far, _far_ away, to the other side of the musty auditorium where Kakuzu splashed sloppy white paint onto the wall. "Boss is fucked up."

Kakuzu did not look up. "Don't say that," he warned.

Hidan reluctantly began rolling paint on the wall above Kakuzu's head. "I don't see why _we_ have to do this shit 'renovation', anyway. And if we don't, we get chewed up by that weed over there. Seriously, why doesn't he just get a bunch of bastards from a nearby village?"

"If we do, we'll have to feed them to Zetsu," sighed Kakuzu, wondering how many times he would have to go over this. "We'll have to keep bringing in more and more, and Zetsu isn't always hungry. Can't get that through your thick skull?"

"Boss is still fucked up."

Now Kakuzu gave his partner a warning glare. "Say that one more time and I'll lose my temper. You'll lose your head. Again. Besides, what can a few renovations to the hideout hurt?"

"A _few_? My ass," Hidan smirked. "Boss. Is. Fucked. Up."

"_You'll_ be fucked up when I'm through!" growled Kakuzu, dropping his paint roller.

At the same moment several sharp threads moved to lop off Hidan's head, Kisame's Samehada moved to shave off Deidara's fingers.

Deidara leaped neatly out of the way. "Sorry, Ki-chaaaan, it was an accident, yeah," he said sweetly at a safe distance. "And white looks so good on you!"

Kisame huffed slightly, white paint dripping down from blotches on his face and cloak from where Deidara had "accidentally" spilled it on him. It did look pretty good, though. Those were some smexy polka dots…

Moving on now.

"Come here, kid," said the shark, smiling a very sharkey smile. "I don't bite…that hard."

Deidara panicked as Kisame backed into a corner. "Um…" Deidara said, squeezing his right hand rapidly. "Look, yeah!" He held up a perfect clay replication of Kisame, complete with his lame-o sword.

"Hey, it's not lame!" said Kisame. "It doesn't cut, it _shaves_!"

That's the point. It's LAME.

You don't have to _cry_, though, Kisame.

Anyway, Deidara took this moment to slip away (and let the figurine blow up next to poor polka-dotted Kisame), running hastily for the opposite end of the room smack into Sasori. The puppet master looked. He looked at the paint now splattered on his coat. He looked at his hand, the joints in his fingers slick with the liquid. He looked at Deidara, beaming an apologetic ray of blondeness. He looked and did not look happy. Sasori picked up the can of paint, and before Deidara could react, poured it all over his pretty blonde hair.

All of a sudden, the entire auditorium fell silent and gazed at the door as it slowly creaked open. Hidan, or rather, Hidan's head whispered audibly from a bloody puddle on the ground, "Oh fuck."

Just as the Leader stepped inside, Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan caught the Leader's gaze and attempted to trap the boss in an inescapable red world.

The Leader escaped, merely snorted, and walked forward. "The red sky was a dead giveaway, weasel," he said, inspecting the mess before him. "So were the Teletubbies."

Itachi sweatdropped. "I forgot about those."

"You." The Leader paused in front of Kisame. "Those are some smexy polka dots."

Kisame sweatdropped.

"Kakuzu, put Hidan's head back on RIGHT NOW. And don't get blood on my shiny floor."

Kakuzu sweatdropped.

Hidan's head sweatdropped.

"Deidara, Sasori, any more paint fights and I'll leech Zetsu on you." Zetsu smiled at this.

Deidara sweatdropped.

Sasori sweatdropped.

"STOP SWEATING ON MY SHINY, SHINY FLOOR!" screamed the Leader.

"Sorry," everyone mumbled.

The Leader turned on his heel and began striding for the exit. "I expect this place to be perfect in a week," he said, wrenching the door open. "We're having a party to celebrate."

"Celebrate what?" asked Kisame.

The Leader burst into a wide smile. "The hime's pregnant!" he proclaimed brightly, and shut the door behind him. A/N: in this fic, the blue-haired person is called the Akatsuki-hime.

An awkward silence filled the air.

A frog croaked, and splashed into a pond.

"But…but he's…" spluttered Hidan at last.

"Sterile?" said Kisame helpfully.

Everyone glared at Deidara.

"What?" the blonde whimpered. "I never meant to kick him that hard, yeah."

Kakuzu sighed, "So what do we tell him?"

"The truth," answered Zetsu. "**Maybe he'll give the baby to me.** Babies are delicious."

"At any rate," said Sasori, attempting bravely to ignore the cannibal, "we need to finish this. Nice try with the genjutsu, by the way, Itachi."

Itachi nodded. "I won't forget about the Teletubbies next time," he promised.

After Zetsu opened and closed his flytrap thingy menacingly, they all sighed and returned to their assigned walls to finish the painting.

"Wait," said Hidan's head. "What about me?"

Kakuzu smiled. It was not a pleasant smile.

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"Yes, baby, we'll go to that party together." A pause. "Who cares, sweetie pie? As long as I have you by my side, nothing can go wrong, sugar babe." And then, noises that sounded suspiciously like…kisses?

Deidara burst into Sasori's room, unable to contain his curiosity any longer. There the puppet master stood, a naked lady puppet in his arms. Sasori was passionately teasing the puppet's lips, his arms pulling her tightly towards him.

"Sasori-danna, I want to go shopping for an outfit for the party, yeah," said Deidara, politely averting his eyes.

Sasori, his eyes still fervently closed, moved his lips down her neck and sucked. "Just go then," he muttered. "And don't eavesdrop at my door again if you value your life."

"But, danna, I want to go with you, yeah! When you're done with the lady, of course, yeah," pleaded Deidara.

The redhead gave a long-winded sigh. Did Deidara have to bother him at every moment? "Sarah, my flower, I shall come back soon," he promised, lovingly putting the kimono back on his girlfriend. When he was done, he rested her gently on his bed and came towards his speech-impeded partner quite grumpily. "What's with the normal clothes?" he snapped.

"Well," he reasoned. "If I'm going to shop at the mall, it won't do to scare everyone away, yeah?"

"The mall?" Sasori backed away hastily, eager to return to his woman.

"Dannaaaaaa!" bleated Deidara, grabbing Sasori's arm and dragging the puppet out of his room.

_Damn, how do I always get into these messes?_ wondered Sasori nearly half an hour later as he tailed the hyper blonde through the mall.

Deidara had wanted a haircut, which Sasori waited for quite patiently (at least he thought so). When he'd come out, Sasori had seen no difference. "An inch, yeah," Deidara had said, running his fingers through his bangs. "You're just a fuzzhead, anyway, you wouldn't know, yeah." Sasori wasn't too happy about that. Neither was Deidara, after he'd finished with him.

Then, it was shoes, and purses ("_Satchels_, not purses, yeah," argued Deidara), and lotion (though it did smell pretty good), and then lots of candy ("No sugar," Sasori had growled firmly, hauling his partner out of that evil store immediately).

And then…eyeliner?!

"Can we buy the damn outfit already?" Sasori blurted out.

Deidara grinned. "Sorry, Sasori-danna, yeah."

And they walked into Hollister's.

Sasori fainted, revived, and fainted again. The place was a living _nightmare_. It was a fucking maze, with pictures of shirtless guys and girls in bikini tops making out on every wall and eerie-looking plants in every corner. Sasori kept on his guard, expecting enemies or Zetsus to leap from the shadows at any time (the lighting sucked ass). And everything was so goddamned _preppy_! Even…EVEN THE MANNEQUINS HAD POPPED COLLARS!

Sasori reached up discreetly and un-popped the nearest mannequin's collar. He swore by…by…Sarah herself that if he died in this godforsaken hell, he would un-pop every last fucking dummy's collar.

"Sasori-danna? What are you doing, yeah?" asked Deidara, turning around with a pair of shorts in his hands.

Wait! Those were…booty shorts! And the words on the back said _bite me_. What the…?

"You're not wearing those!" growled the puppet, snatching the shorts away and storing them safely on the shelf. "No, not the miniskirt, not those jeans, they're too tight, that's a _camisole_, Deidara, and…damn, are you even _straight_?"

Pink tinged Deidara's cheeks as the blonde awkwardly put down the girl's jacket he had been holding.

"Holy fuck," whispered Sasori.

"Fucking isn't holy, yeah," Deidara murmured, unable to meet his partner's eyes. "No matter how many times Hidan insists it is, yeah."

"You're…you're…"

Deidara brightened and held up a pair of normal-looking cargo pants. "I'll…um…I'll go try these on, yeah." And he disappeared into a dressing room. Smart Deidara.

Sasori slowly sank to his knees, bent over, and pounded his head on the floor. With each blow to his head, he grunted a word from between clenched teeth. "I. Am. Not. Partnered. With. A. Fucking. Homosexual."

The "fucking homosexual" in question came cheerfully out of the dressing room and posed for Sasori. He was too cheerful for the puppet master's taste. Sasori stood up slowly, calmly, wooden hands outstretched to strangle the blonde. And then, he saw what Deidara was wearing. Shirtless with baggy cargo pants, every muscle on his torso and arms firmly outlined, a streamlined body, unblemished, _perfect_. (A/N: just for you, Pineapple-Sister.)

Hot damn.

_No. Deidara can be a fag if he wants, but I'm not. I can't be! I…I've fucked Sarah, for crying out loud! I can't…_ But a moan escaped Sasori's lips and he thought he felt warmth between his legs…

"Danna?" Deidara pointed. "I think you wet yourself, yeah."

Sai frowned. "Your penis is wooden, though, right?" he said. "Is it even possible?"

Wait! Sai, what the hell are you doing here?

"I don't know," said Sai. "_You're_ the one who wrote me in."

Oh. Well, you're ruining Sasori's moment of puppet passion. Go away.

Sai exploded.

"Yay!" said Deidara. "I love explosions, yeah!"

Sasori, at the moment, was too concerned with his pants to notice. "What the hell do I do?" he grumbled under his breath. He looked over his shoulder and grabbed the nearest pair of jeans. "Wait here, Deidara. This is all your damn fault." And with that, he whisked away into the dressing room.

"What did I do, yeah?" sighed Deidara, sitting himself on the floor.

"What _did_ you do? Sasori looked pissed off."

Deidara spun around. "Tachi-chan!" he exclaimed. The Uchiha barely managed to suppress a smirk, leaning oh-so-casually and sexily against the clearance rack. "What are you doing here, yeah?"

Itachi held up a shopping bag from Goths United (A/N: that would be an interesting store). "I'm also buying an outfit. What did you do to the poor puppet?"

"He…he told me something I did NOT want to know…" said Sasori shakily as he came out of the dressing room.

"What?" Itachi was very curious now.

"He's a fag," the puppet murmured, shaking uncontrollably.

Itachi nodded, as if he had been expecting it all along. And was that a _smile_ on the ice weasel's face? "I am going back to the hideout," he said. "Are you two coming?"

"We're pretty much finished," sighed Deidara. "You don't hate me, yeah, Tachi-chan?"

"No, on the contrary…" He froze, his left eye twitched, and he spun away without another word. Deidara and Sasori followed him out of the store, clearly confused, until an alarm started bleeping and millions and gazillions of nin materialized around the trio! Maybe not that many.

"You, redhead, you are being arrested for shoplifting a pair of jeans," said the apparent leader.

"But th-these are my j-jeans!" stammered Sasori. His nose grew several inches longer. "I-I wasn't shoplifting, I s-swear!" His nose grew several feet longer. "Your alarm system must be faulty!" A pretty twig with a leaf appeared on the end, and a pair of birds alighted to leave white goo splattered across the wood. "Shit, that stuff takes forever to clean off," he muttered under his breath.

Itachi sighed a long Uchiha sigh. He captured the leader's gaze, and turned to capture the gazes of the other ninjas. "You are getting very sleepy."

"We are getting very sleepy," the ninjas chorused in reply.

"This is a waste of your time."

"This is a waste of our time."

"You would rather be eating a tuna sandwich right now or fucking with mannequins."

"We would rather be eating tuna sandwiches right now or fucking with mannequins…" The nin turned in a group to find tuna sandwiches and mannequins, and the Akatsuki members were finally left in peace.

"Thanks," Sasori grumbled reluctantly to Itachi. And to Deidara he hissed, "Your ass is mine when we get back."

Deidara whimpered, "It's not my fault I'm gay, yeah!"

Sasori raised a kunai, very shiny and pretty and dripping with poison.

"Look," said Itachi. "Homosexuality is caused by an abnormal balance of sex hormones and a differing brain structure from heterosexuals. You can't blame the kid."

"Damned if I don't," Sasori snarled, but put the kunai away.

"Thanks, Tachi-chan, yeah," smiled Deidara.

Light pink tinged the Uchiha's cheeks the rest of the way home.

-------------------------------------------------

**Mm...so Deidara's gay (big surprise, anyone?), but who does he like? Next chapter: PARTAY!!! and revelations.**

**Anyway, if you can't tell, this is my first time writing a humorous fic. Be nice.**

**Chao!**


	2. Hugs on Wheels and Pumpkin Spice Coffee

**A/N: Back! Um, I guess you could say I was in a rush to write this chapter, even though it took me like, several months, so some parts are kind of lame. I, um, had a lot of schoolwork and music and math competitions and EVERYTHING, and Pineapple-Sister has NO MERCY. I mean, fuck, _AP exams_! And the humongous math competition! And I had to learn and polish to recital-quality Fantasie Impromptu, which is incredibly hard! Instead of being an awesome friend and being sympathetic to my needs, Pineapple-Sister gave me a few weeks to write this…or else. During class (since we never pay attention), we plotted my death. Apparently, if I hadn't finished it, I was getting stabbed to death with kitchen knives and senbon. Simple, bloody, but simple.**

**So, past the ranting, it's time for a PARTAY!!!!!!! (Even though I personally despise parties...they smell and they give me headaches). Which means fooooood, making out in corners, grinding, beer, and, yes, truth-or-dare. Everyone knows what happens in a cliché truth-or-dare fanfiction. Who said this was an exception? **

**And thanks for the reviews!**

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Deidara paused before the auditorium door, sighing deeply as he wondered if he looked all right, attractive enough to attract…a certain someone. He had left his sun-colored hair down for once, brushed to perfection, and thick, black highlights streaked their way downward. A tight, black shirt hugged his swimmer's body, the sleeves cut off raggedly, and baggy black cargo pants hung low on his hips, adorned with three or four chains. Seven black bracelets circled his right wrist, and six black bracelets and a studded rocker's bracelet circled his left. The look was complete with worn black Converses, a silver cross on a chain around his neck, and his usual eyeliner.

Sasori, don't wet your pants again. (A/N: I didn't mean to go on that long about his outfit…I kind of got carried away. Only a little.)

Inside the auditorium, chaos ensued. A DJ sat on stage, an ear-splittingly loud "Fergalicious" threatened to bring the walls down, and bodies moved to the beat in the faintly lit darkness. It smelled like body odor, alcohol, and sweat. Yum!

Deidara closed the door behind him and tried to peer through the confusion of the strobe lights and smoke machines. "I wonder where Hidan-chan is, yeah," he murmured to himself.

"Looking for Kakuzu, because Kakuzu has hell to pay," Itachi smirked beside him, half-hidden in the shadow. Utterly boring, the red-eyed ninja had simply worn his Akatsuki cloak. Or maybe the authoress was sick of going on long-winded clothes descriptions.

The blonde spun around in surprise. "Tachi-chan!" he exclaimed. "Having fun, yeah?"

"Fun?" Itachi sounded like he had never heard the word before. Friggin ice weasel. "I suppose so."

"Like my outfit? Sasori thinks its ridiculous, yeah." Deidara spread wide his arms and spun around for Itachi's scrutiny.

"It's…gr—" He was abruptly cut off when Deidara tore off in the other direction, shouting Hidan's name. "Great," he finished under his breath, staring after the much-too-caffeinated blonde.

Deidara wove through the small auditorium, filled with people dancing, drinking, and making out in various corners. He thought he had seen Hidan's conspicuous white hair, gelled back perfectly as always. As he passed a corner, he stopped suddenly when he noticed who, or rather, WHAT was occupying the space.

"Danna?"

Sasori dancing, drinking, AND making out in a various corner, with none other than his beautiful puppet lady, Sarah. "Go away, Deidara," he growled when they paused to catch their breaths (if Sarah or Sasori breathe—I have no clue). His eyes grew wide and, with ninja lightning skills, flipped around so that _his_ back was against the wall and Sarah was in front of him. "You. Fag. Get away from me," commanded the puppet master in a trembling voice.

"He's a fag?" asked Sarah, her lips unmoving. Ventriloquism is so much fun. "Oh, Sasori baby, he's not worth our time. Let's pick up where we left off…"

Deidara hastily vamoosed from the scene, muttering, "I know when I'm not wanted, yeah." He sighed, and swiveled around to continue his search.

"You!"

Deidara turned to find Hidan glaring at him. "Hidan-kun! I've been looking for you!"

"Where the _hell_ is that cheap-ass mother fucker?"

"Who?" Hidan glared at the clueless Deidara, who finally realized what had happened and snorted quite hysterically.

"Just tell me where Kakuzu is and fuck off, seriously," growled Hidan. Deidara looked slightly hurt, but still could not stop giggling. Yes, giggling.

"Enjoying yourself?" Kakuzu had appeared behind Hidan and was grinning like there was no tomorrow.

"Fuck…you…" said Hidan slowly, turning around and stumbling in the process. You see, when Kakuzu had cut Hidan's head off, the Leader had ordered him to sew the head back on, of course. Kakuzu had assumed that the Leader hadn't specified _how_ to sew it back on.

"You know you want to," retorted Kakuzu, looking quite smug.

"I don't swing that way, damn you! Put it back on properly!" Hidan roared. "Seriously, I'm not going to spend the whole fucking party with my head on backwards!"

Kakuzu sighed, looking off to the side, "That smoke machine cost 57,643 yen. I told Boss that the money could be spent on better things, but nooo, he spent it on a stupid, expensive machine that—"

"Are you even listening to me, son of a bitch?" snarled Hidan, raising his arms to strangle Kakuzu, but since his head was on backwards, it didn't really work. Kakuzu just snickered and walked away. "Wait, seriously, you can't leave, you…you need to…to FUCKING SEW MY HEAD ON RIGHT! GET THE FUCK BACK HERE, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!" Hidan began chasing after his partner, still roaring his head off, ran in the wrong direction, paused, began running backwards, stumbled, and fell on his ass. He got back up laboriously and repeated the cycle.

Smirking broadly, Kakuzu let one of his threads creep forward and neatly slice Hidan's head off again.

"What was that for?" Hidan's head demanded.

"You want me to put your head on right, right?" And Kakuzu leaned down to pick up Hidan's head, unable to keep the evvvvvil smirk on his face.

Deidara sighed, watching the ancient nin cart off the dismembered, albeit cursing vulgarly, body. NO ONE wanted to talk to him! He looked to where Kisame was raiding the refreshment table (Kisame wasn't talking to him after the polka-dots, anyway), to where the Leader and the Hime practically made babies on the dance floor. (Isn't is supposed to be rude to screw a pregnant woman, by the way?)

"Zetsu, what's up, yeah?" said Deidara cheerfully as the cannibal passed by.

"I'm hungry," Zetsu answered. "**Don't eat the blonde, though, that's cruel. Plus, the Leader wouldn't be pleased.** It's not my fault if he remembered to get fish food for Kisame but nothing edible for me. And I'm hungry! **So, Deidara, are you having fun?**"

Deidara paled. "L-Lots of fun, yeah," he said hastily.

"Take care, all right?" Zetsu wandered away, still arguing with himself over whom to eat.

"You got lucky," said a certain weasel behind him.

How could he have forgotten about Itachi so quickly? The blonde spun around and beamed. "Tachi-chan, what's up, yeah?"

The Uchiha sighed and sat down on a nearby chair. Deidara followed suit. "Nothing much. This is pointless."

"Maybe you should dance! It's fun!" Deidara pointed to where the Leader had pressed the Hime to the floor and had begun passionately eating her face. "They seem to enjoy it, yeah."

If Itachi was not emotionally retarded, he would've made a face. "That is revolting."

"Have you ever danced before, yeah?"

"…No."

"Ooh!" Deidara's face lit up. "I'll teach you! C'mon, yeah!"

"Dance?!" Itachi looked in horror as the hyper ninja grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the dance floor. "Dance…I…you…no!"

"It's fun, I promise! I'm not very good myself, yeah, but…oh! A slow song!" He pointed to Leader and Hime, where they had finally stopped grinding and were slow-dancing to the music. "See? That's easy. Slow-dancing is just a hug on wheels, yeah."

"A hug…I don't give hugs."

Deidara reached forward and squeezed the poor weasel warmly. "Now you do, yeah," he giggled. "C'mon, you should try it sometime."

Itachi awkwardly put an arm around the other. "This…this 'slow-dancing' thing…" he began hesitantly.

"You wanna do it? Told ya, yeah," grinned the Rock nin. He pulled Itachi's arms into the proper position. "You put your arms around my waist since you're taller, and I put my arms around your neck, and you just…I don't know…sway to the music, yeah?"

Closing his eyes, Itachi obeyed, albeit uncomfortably at first, but soon got the rhythm of the movement. He could not believe how good it felt, to have someone warm in your arms, to feel music flowing through you…heaven forbid, was that a genuine _smile_ on the Uchiha's face?

Deidara seemed lost in the moment, too. His eyes were closed as well, and he moved closer to rest his cheek on Itachi's shoulder. "You got it, Tachi-chan," he murmured. "This is…just as friends, yeah?"

"…Yes," Itachi whispered back. _Tell him what he smells like_, said an annoying, very un-Itachi voice in the back of his mind. _Sweet but clean…pineapples._ Before he could stop himself, his lips began forming the words. "Deidara-kun, you…"

Suddenly, the music stopped. Everyone turned in the sudden silence towards the DJ, who was not there anymore, and the Leader's voice screamed through the auditorium, "FUCK YOU, ZETSU!"

Zetsu, standing unabashedly on the stage, swallowed the last of the DJ's leg and shrugged. "**I'm sorry, Leader**. I was really hungry."

Deidara released himself from Itachi's grasp, smiling broadly. "That was fun, yeah, Tachi-chan?"

"I…I guess I liked it…it was short," admitted the ice weasel in embarrassment. He turned his face so Deidara could not see the shocked and…disappointed look in his red eyes.

The Leader was still screaming at Zetsu. "I GUESS YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY ANYMORE, EH?"

"No, thank you," he replied, leaping lightly offstage.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW WITHOUT OUR GODDAMNED DJ, HUH?" The Hime put a hand on his shoulder but he brushed it off.

"**Find me more food?**"

Kisame spoke up from the refreshment table. "Party games. You always play party games at parties."

"Party games!" exclaimed Deidara, clapping his hands. "They're so much fun, yeah!"

Itachi deadpanned.

Kakuzu said, "Something cheap. I refuse to spend any more money on stuff as worthless as that smoke machine."

"Twister?" said Hime.

"Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey?" said Kisame.

Hidan sniggered, "You could use Kakuzu for that, he's an ass." And he dodged the threads that shot forward towards his neck.

"Spin the bottle," said Sarah.

"Or even _more_ cliche: truth or dare," said Sasori, to a mumbled consent.

So the Akatsuki sat down in an awkward circle on the auditorium floor, and Sasori chose the liberty of going first. "Boss, truth or dare?"

"…Dare," replied the Leader.

"I dare you…to…" Sasori scrutinized the shadowy persona. "…To come out of your shadow for once. What do you _really_ look like?"

"Oh," said the Hime hastily. "You…you really don't want to know. I'd advise you to choose something else."

"It can't be that bad," Kisame grinned. "I mean, all we've seen are your eyes and your nose piercings."

The Leader took a deep breath. "You'll regret this…" he mumbled, and dispelled the shadow around him for the fleetest instant.

Sasori fainted.

Kisame barfed up his fish food. Ew.

Hidan screamed, "Holy FUCK!"

And Deidara murmured awkwardly, "Hidan-kun, fucking _isn't_ holy, yeah!"

"Yeah," said the Leader, hastily putting his shadow back on a moment later. There was a stunned silence as the remaining, non-barfing, conscious Akatsuki members stared at his safely shadowed figure in horror. (A/N: Pineapple-Sister thinks he could be hot. I…I don't know. . ) "Um, I get to choose now, right?" More awkward silence. "Right. Uh…Deidara…truth or dare?"

"Truth."

The Leader thought briefly to himself. "I hear you've, um, finally admitted your sexual orientation. Do you like anyone?"

Scarlet crept up the blonde's pale cheeks. "Maybe, yeah," he squeaked.

"WHOA!" exclaimed the Leader. "Who is it? Is it anyone here??"

"I answered the question," snapped Deidara. He scanned the circle briefly before choosing his victim. "Zetsu-san, truth or dare, yeah?"

"Truth."

"How you were you born, like, how the heck do you get a man-eating plant man, yeah?"

Zetsu sighed, "**This may be slightly disturbing**."

"I'm interested now," contributed the Leader, glaring safely within his shadow.

"My human father pollinated a Venus flytrap. That's all."

"Wait," said Hidan. "Your dad fucked a plant?"

"**You could put it that way**," Zetsu said uncomfortably.

"How do you fuck a _plant_, seriously?" the priest wanted to know.

"Well, I'm not quite sure. **I think the process left him castrated, though**."

"The plant ate his dick?"

"My mother is famous for her excellent blowjobs, but often leaves her clients incapable of further sexual activity." Zetsu turned to the Leader, who was green in the face. "**Do I get to ask someone else now?**"

"Yes," said the Hime.

"Choose the blonde kid!" suggested Kisame. "I still wanna know who he likes!"

Shaking his head, Zetsu said, "This is a pointless game. **Itachi, truth or dare?**"

Itachi blinked. "Truth."

"Aw, man, that's boring, Itachi-san," whined Kisame.

"Fans have repeatedly questioned your sex. Do you have a penis?" Sai asked, leaning forward with as much enthusiasm as the emotionless ninja could muster.

Sai, didn't I tell you to explode last chapter?

"Technically, no. You told me to 'go away'."

Jesus doesn't love you. Now explode.

Grumbling, Sai exploded, to the delight of Deidara.

"Jesus died, and Jashin-sama ate him, what are you talking about, arirang?" Hidan snorted. "Answer the question, weasel-san."

Itachi sighed, "I am of the masculine gender. Deidara, truth or dare?"

"If I say truth," huffed the blonde, "then you'll make me say whom I like, yeah?"

Kisame merely grinned his sharkey grin.

Deidara grinned back, "_Dare_."

"I dare you to tell me who you like," said Itachi, his red eyes boring into Deidara's black ones.

He huffed, "That's unfair, yeah."

"Answer," Itachi ordered, his voice dangerous and quiet.

In a matter of seconds, Deidara's face turned 12 different shades of red. "Ilikehimurmurmumble, yeah."

"Who?" demanded all the Akatsuki members, save Sasori, who was still unconscious.

Deidara stared at the ground.

"H-Hidan-kun."

A stunned silence pervaded the circle.

Kisame was the first to speak, or rather, snort and honk obnoxiously as he LOL-ed, LMAO-ed, and ROFL-ed, pointing at Hidan's tomato-red face.

Itachi nodded, his face an unreadable mask. "Your turn, Deidara-kun."

"Kisame, stop laughing, yeah," growled the rock nin, and he turned to Kakuzu. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare," said Kakuzu, smirking broadly at his partner who had curled up into a little ball.

At this, Hidan sat up. "I dare you to eat 500 yen," he declared.

"_Eat_? But this is Deidara-kun's dare!" spluttered Kakuzu.

"That sounds good, yeah," said the blonde. "1000 yen."

"You've got to be kidding me! You're not even spending the damn money! This is a violation of the law!"

Hidan pulled out some paper money from Kakuzu's back pocket with an evil smile. "Here you go."

"No. You can go fuck yourself."

"Physically impossible, and yeah, I tried," grinned Hidan. "If you don't eat it, I'll force it down your throat, seriously."

Kakuzu looked at the wad of bills distastefully. "I forfeit," he growled, standing up to leave, when Hidan tackled him gleefully and pinned him to the floor.

"Eat this, cheap-ass bitch!" screamed the priest in delirium as he pinched Kakuzu's stitched-up nose and shoved the yen down his partner's throat. Kakuzu gagged, his eyes popping out as Hidan shoved it deeper and deeper, until he was forced to swallow or die. Grinning broadly, Hidan released him and sat back on his heels.

Kakuzu blinked, his eyes watering as he spat out the remnants of the money onto the ground. Veins popped out from his temples as he wheezed, "Fuck…you…"

"You know you want to," Hidan retorted, using Kakuzu's words earlier.

Kakuzu promptly turned to the side and barfed up the half-digested money, green and mushy and mixed with squishy yellow stomach contents and watery orange liquids from the orange juice he drank that morning and…yeah, I'll stop now.

"Hidan…dare…or…dare…" he rasped, vomit streaming down his chin.

"What the fuck?"

"You…heard…me…"

Kisame grinned, "Hidan says dare."

"I…dare you…" Kakuzu smiled evilly, "…to…make out…with Deidara-kun…for two minutes straight…"

"What the _FUCK_?!" spluttered Hidan. "You've got to be kidding me, seriously! I didn't even choose 'dare'!"

The Leader pointed at the blonde, who was looking back in surprise. "He's right there, Hidan, beautiful and waiting for your luscious lips."

"H-Hidan-kun, it's only two minutes, yeah," mumbled Deidara.

The priest was prepared to make a run for it when Kakuzu's threads shoved him to the ground and bound him mercilessly, writhing desperately as Deidara scooted forward on his knees and pressed him against the wall.

"Only two minutes, yeah," Deidara whispered again.

Before Hidan could react, Deidara's lips were teasing his, tugging and nipping, soft tongue nudging his closed mouth, begging for an entrance. Hidan, at first, could only freeze in horror. Holy fuck! He was kissing another _guy_! And it felt…_GOOD_?! And then, his fingers decided to have a will of their own and entwined themselves in long, blonde hair. His lips parted slightly to allow in that tongue Deidara had persistently pressed forward.

WAIT. What was he _doing_?! Was he _insane_?!

But it was hard for Hidan to reason out his insanity, because Deidara's tongue was blissfully exploring ever crevice in his mouth, the roughness of his tongue, the smoothness of his teeth. The taste of cinnamon and pineapples—delicious, seriously—engulfed what last vestiges of sanity remained as he lost himself in the passion. Unaware of Deidara's roaming hands, of Kisame's whoops, or of Sasori laying crumpled in an unconscious heap (the puppet had awoken in time to see them begin kissing, and had promptly fainted again), he knew only Deidara's tongue slipping in and out and rubbing fervently against his.

However, they had to breathe at some point, and they broke away reluctantly, but slowly enough so that Hidan could feel Deidara's eyelashes brush his cheek. (A/N: Okay, I don't think I'm ever going to be that deep again. Wow.)

What. The. _FUCK_?!

"That was ten minutes, not two," snorted Kisame, who was LOL-ing, LMAO-ing, and ROFL-ing again.

"Lovely," commented Kakuzu, who was not gasping for breath or barfing anymore.

Itachi looked stoically at the ground, and mumbled something suspiciously like, "You are quite a good kisser, Deidara-kun."

"Did I just seriously kiss a fucking _guy_?" whispered Hidan, staring blankly at the air in front of him.

"Yup," said Kakuzu. "You enjoyed it, too. What does he taste like?"

It took a few minutes until the priest finally comprehended that he had _made out with another member of the male species_. "I'M STRAIGHT AS A STRAIGHT LINE, FUCKING SERIOUSLY, FORGIVE ME, JASHIN-SAMA, I'LL NEVER SIN AGAIN!" he screamed, and promptly fled the auditorium.

And with that, the fateful truth-or-dare game ended.

"Where did he go, yeah?" asked Deidara, slightly worried, but blushing also from the passion that still lingered on his lips.

Kakuzu replied, "Some damn ritual or something, probably stabbing his heart out and cutting off his tongue. So, what does Hidan taste like, then?"

The clay artist closed his eyes in pure bliss, remembering.

"Like pumpkin spice coffee."

---------------------------------------

**Sorry to bother you guys again, but I had a sudden flash of inspiration! What if I made everyone (cept for Dei-chan, of course) taste like something related to coffee?**

**I blame this idea on the caramel frappuccino I am devouring right now. :) Starbucks equals Paradise.**


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